Sunspots

THANKSGIVIN

2009-11-27T23:32:55Z

I feel a little weird that I didn't do a Thanksgiving post because that's my favorite kind to do. I know I don't really write here anymore but I do think it's nice to jot things down from time to time.

Thanksgiving flew by, it was really kind of a weird day and to be honest a bit disappointing because I think there was too much self-involvement and not enough of giving thanks. Oh well, I guess it happens. the good news is that Momma and I put everything together really beautifully and the food was delish and everything looked gorg and a lot of family came so probably it was objectively successful.

BUT I didn't spend any focused time yesterday articulating what I'm thankful for so I'm going to do a belated thanksgiving post.

I really am thankful for a lot this year. I mean, I'm very thankful in general, and I make it a point to write about that in my private journal probably a few times a week. But anyway, the point is that it's nice to feel like where I am right now I'm PARTICULARLY grateful for a lot of things.

In the past couple of months I've started reorienting my perception of loss and hurt. I recognized in the past couple of weeks my tendency to deal with emotional pain in a very cerebral way, and I know this has caused a lot of stress for me. I'm a really happy person, not ignorantly so and not because I deny what upsets me. I think I just push those things aside and focus on the good in life, which overall is a good trait. But in the past year and a half or so all of the emotional stress became physical, and it comes out in the 20 extra pounds I'm carrying right now (okay, REALLY thankful that you can't really tell on my body type hahah but it is there), my skin is really sensitive and finicky but I guess if I was going to pick between emotional strain and physical strain I'll choose the latter. I think it's better to be self-aware and introspective rather than fit and clear-skinned but neurotic as hell. I think by all counts I have the right to be as nutty as Lindsay Lohan and not to toot my own horn but I'm really proud that I'm not.

But I mean, I didn't get there alone. So that brings me back to my point about re-orientation. A lot of really sad things happen in life. Tragic things, too. I've experienced some of them but obviously nothing compared to what other people go through.

So here's what I was thinking. The turmoil in my family is really tragic, tragic might not even be the word considering the depth of destruction. But the point is, I'm really blessed, I mean, I can't even stress HOW much, to have my mom. She's amazing. She's so wise, so introspective, so loving and such a rock. She's tender when it's right and she shakes me down when I need it. I'm so much of the person that I am today because of her love and what she's taught me. I could never put into words how much she means to me and what an incredible human being she is. So even though there's something really awful in the fam, there's something that's really WONDERFUL and surpasses it all.

Personal Life. This has been such a journey and I've gone through a lot on this front. I had something really great going, and it fell apart in a very surprising way that I couldn't wrap my brain around for a very long time afterward. It's been a huge process to understand and go through that. Definitely a terrible shame, but in the end it has worked out for the best. There was a lot of good there and it taught me so much about myself and what I'm looking for in life. Ultimately, it wasn't right, and I'm at peace with that finally and ready for the next step. So, even though it was a very painful loss, the relationship was an immense blessing and the breakup brought me to where I need to be at this point in life. I have a much better understanding of what works for me and what doesn't, and what I'm looking for in a partner so I have to say I'm extremely thankful for the entire experience, both the wonderful good and the heart-wrenching bad. Thanks!

Death. I did not understand death before. I never experienced the death of anyone close to me and a few months ago my dog passed away after 14 long years. I wrote about this in a previous entry and if I get into it right now I'll start crying (esp. since I've had a few dreams about this recently). The point is that even though Henry died and it's really awful and sad I'm really lucky to have had a dog like that. A lot of animals are really wonderful and loving and sweet but Henry was particularly special. He went through a lot of things with me and he was always forgiving when I wasn't there for him as much as I should have been. They say animals will take on some of their owner's issues and I could see how what was going on at home affected him too. I will forever be grateful for his love and for his kindness and how good he was to everyone. I know I'll get another dog someday but it feels like none will ever live up to him. Oops, I'm letting tears go in the law review office so this discussion needs to stop. The point is that I am ETERNALLY grateful for such a sweetie in my life.

SCHOOL. Law school is a challenge for sure but I really do love it. It's finals season right now and it's definitely extremely stressful but the thing is that I'm really, really thankful to be here and to have this opportunity. I could have made a lot of other life decisions and I'm really glad that this one is the one I chose. I still don't really know what I'm going to end up doing in life, and my ideas about that change constantly, but I'm really grateful to be in a place that fosters choices that will lead me to doing something of meaning in life.

TADA!!! Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for SO much.

I'm also really thankful in general for being HAPPY. This school year has brought on a lot of challenges (literally the toughest academic semester I've ever had) but socially it has been WORLDS of improvement upon last year and I'm really grateful for the new people in my life and the strengthened bonds too. It's been great.

SO. Enough giving thanks. Time to get back to work. OVER AND OUT!

Henry

2009-10-03T22:44:26Z

I just realized what I dreamt last night. It's been a little over two months since Henry passed and yesterday I changed my facebook profile picture from him, it was feeling too sad to have his sweet little doggie face there, reminding me that he's gone.

So last night, I dreamt that my mom came home and she walked through the front door, Henry on a leash. My sister and I were shocked and I was just like "Mom, but Henry passed, we have his ashes, he died in my arms" and she was like "I know, but he's back." And he was, somehow in the dream he came back and it was really him, not another dog in his place. It was one of those dreams that felt really real, so it had to have been a miracle. And that's just what it was, a miracle that he was back.

Oh Henry, you were the best. I haven't walked in my neighborhood for two months now because I just.. can't do it without him. It would be too weird to pass certain bushes and trees and not stop, to walk without his leash tangling around me and me having to twirl around to make it right.

He was so good. People who were afraid of dogs loved him. Big dogs wouldn't mess with him. He was so sweet and good natured, and warm, and lovey.

Bah, he lived a long, good life. What's sad for me is the past few years, where everything has been so crazy and hard with the family. I wish that in his last few years of life I had given him more, but emotionally I was stretched pretty thin. Poor Henry, and you were always so good to me, no matter what.

Animals are pretty amazing, their unconditional love is truly something else.

Well, I think it's good I had this dream because as a human being I need reminders of what's what from time to him. His death was a really big deal for me. I've never had to deal with anyone's passing before, not someone close to me. And this was my baby, I had him since I was 8. He died naturally of old age but it was a brutal death. I don't know why so many dogs have to go through seizures, and losing control of their bowels and throwing up. It was really pretty horrible, I'm actually crying remembering how it all happened. I don't think he was very conscious through it all.

One morning I went outside and he was in the bushes, and he wouldn't come out, he was just lying there. I pulled him out and I brought him inside, I gave him a bath. From there, the next two days were his decline. He knew it was his time, that's why he had dragged himself into there, animals know when they need to go. I tried to save him but I guess I shouldn't have. He fought so hard to stay alive, he wanted to live for us, but his body wouldn't let him. Most dogs die after 1 seizure. It took 16 to kill Henry. He had so much will to live. We were treating him homeopathically and by the last few seizures it looked like he was getting better. Then he slept soundly. But when he woke up, he had his last one. It was the one that I knew would do it and it was scary to come to him. At first I thought maybe he wants to be alone but my mom said I should hold him like I did through every other seizure. So I did.

I held him and stroked him while his body lost control, while everything came out of him. I held him until his heartbeat stopped and his breathing ended and then his reflexes kept going. His soul was gone but his legs stretched out, his chest puffed out, his ears stood up and his mouth opened. he looked ready to hunt. Like a wolf. And then rigor mortis. He was stiff. I kept petting him. And then I cleaned him up, I changed the sheets he was on. My little sister would check on him in the morning and I didn't want her to see him like that, covered in... yeah. I covered him with a blanket. I sat on the bed in the spare bedroom, the room he was in, and I cried and I talked to him. I begged forgiveness for every stupid second of my life where I spent it on some meaningless worry, some ridiculous problem, when I could have been with him. Every regret came pouring out.

Ah.. Henry is okay. He's in doggie heaven and he's happy. It feels like his spirit is still here, whenever I go outside I think I hear his trot. I feel his warm presence.

Like I said, I've never experienced death before, and now I went through his with him. I felt his decline, his struggle for life, his body fighting back.

The whole experience was really difficult, but it's important that it happened. It made me think about Life differently, to truly appreciate its limitedness more. But see, I'm human, and things come up, and everything gets busy, and then what you learned gets pushed back.

The thing is I have to live life with less regret. I think that overall I've been pretty good about that but I have tremendous room for improvement. It's always been really important for me to live life with purpose, to seek meaning and not waste time on self-indulgence and pettiness. But Henry died. And it made everything ring more true. But then law school started up again, and I got all caught up in it.

So this dream, it's a good reminder. Henry is not coming back. He can't. But I'm still here and I have an obligation to live a purposeful life and become a better person and bring those around me higher too.

That said, it's now my job to finish up with my paper. Because the draft is important, because getting it done in a timely manner is important because other things need to happen too. Getting good grades is important because getting a job is important. Getting a job is important because supporting myself and my family is important, and living comfortably is important. Living comfortably, hopefully very well, is important, because that allows one to focus on more than just the necessities, the survival aspects of life, but on more. On raising children that turn into wonderful human beings. On helping others and contributing to the world in a meaningful way.

So, it's paper time. The rest of the semester is now pretty much go time, since I think this is week 8 coming up. It's going to be paper, after outline, after paper, after outline.

Henry, I still miss you. Thanks for being my dog.

macqueline @ 2009-01-24T01:06:00

2009-01-24T09:09:29Z

Prisoners look at the photographer in block 61 of the Buchenwald concentration camp, liberated in April 1945.

listen

2009-01-09T04:50:39Z

This pretty much sums up my life right now: http://www.theonion.com/content/video/apple_introduces_revolutionary?utm_source=embedded_video

THANKS !

2008-11-28T10:32:41Z

ummmmmmmm HI hello I know I know it's technically the next day but I'm still up and wanted to do a quick thanksgiving update. Hope you all had a wonderful holiday with family, friends, and loved ones.

Haaaa I'm an Indian and its Thanksgiving get it get it! Excuse the sweaty grossness, it's a photo from a show a while ago and it was really hot up in there.

Anyway, really grateful for Life right now, and this holiday lends itself to expressing thanks, so here I am.

Yesterday was my last day of classes for the semester!! I can't believe I'm almost done with my first semester of law school, it totally flew by. Finals are coming up, it's gonna be wild but good.

I love law school. I really do. Every day I'm challenged and I have to truly apply myself and it's really an awesome experience, I've never had to work so hard for something and I love every second of it. I might be a zombie for the next couple of weeks, old study habits die hard, but I'm getting the hang of it. I think I found my groove, albeit it a bit too late for this semester, but I'm going to own Spring.

I don't know what I'd be doing with myself if I wasn't in law school right now. I can't imagine how different everything would be. In the last three months I've been oriented and re-oriented and it's just this really intense and fulfilling growing process that I can't picture my life without.

Aside from the mental/internal hugeness of law school, I love the people. My section in particular is a fine group of kids. We're better than the other sections, no joke. We're like a little family, if you're section three you automatically have a this very fluid bond. We go out in large groups and take over the joint, we're shamelessly nerdy with our inside jokes, we can't get enough of our facebook group, it's fabulous and super 1L-y. I have a couple of close friends at school now who literally make my day, every day. I love them. So I am super grateful for those two also.

Other things I continue to be grateful for are just all the experiences of the past months and years. Family has been really difficult, but that is my lot and I am thankful for the good in it. My mom is a saint. My sister is the girl. My grandparents are gems. My aunts and uncles are wonderful and my cousins are straight up bad ass. My dad and my brothers break my heart, it's a shame. But it's life and you go on and you stay thankful for the good you have.

I'm grateful for love, for real true deep love, I'm grateful for good friends, which nurture another kind of deep love. My best friends warm a part of my heart like you wouldn't believe. Oh, speaking of love, here is a really pretty quote I came across the other day, I really appreciated the message: "No matter what breakup you went through or what new love you find — the love you remember, like the love you now value, is yours. Whatever love you once gave to somebody else, it doesn’t go away. Even if it is only remembered love, it belongs to you." That just makes me smile.

I'm grateful for going to Israel this summer and reaching into my inner soul. I'm grateful for such a tremendously powerful, life-changing experience. For such a feeling of connectedness to my history and to another place that truly feels like home. For making friends who I continue to have a close kinship with. For the direction it gave me and the purpose it imbued even deeper into me.

I love thanksgiving, I really do. Gratitude is just this thing I do. It's almost religious. I just mutter thanks under my breath all the time, or really loud if no one is around. So this is my holiday :)

Another thing I'm thankful for is how good Daft Punk's Alive 2007 is. Holy hell, it's amazing.

I'd better cut myself off, I'll just start listing more and more things that I'm thankful for and I think this is quite enough. I've got to get to the library at 9 tomorrow, it's going to be a hurricane of outlining for the next few days so that I can just kick back and study before tests start on the 8th.

With that, much love, and much thanks. No seriously, if anyone still reads this, I genuinely mean that, addressed to you. Love you all and am thankful for our friendship, in whatever capacity that may be.

Not you Alex.

Muah!

not srs

2008-09-16T05:35:08Z

Okay, I am sparing the world of my life affirming entries. I got a new camera for my birthday and it is pre-tty baller so here's a pic:

Okay back to my needy girlfriend aka studying so byeeeee

A Love Entry

2008-08-10T16:20:55Z

I haven't written in a while but late last night I had some thoughts that spilled out of me, and lent themselves to a public post.

Love teaches us great things. Not to completely plagiarize Carrie Bradshaw ("Some love stories aren't epic novels - some are short stories. But that doesn't make them any less filled with love." That quote is very dear to me.), but through my own experience I must say while some loves may have lasted long and took great investment and others perhaps were shorter and required a different kind of risk, all these loves meld into you and your heart and piece by piece they somehow fill you up. That's not to say that you're incomplete without these loves, no, not at all. But they touch you deeply and they become a part of you and they help build you into the person you are becoming.

There's space in your heart and either you guard it or you fill it. I think you have to have a healthy balance of both. There are times when you need to stay careful and strong, and at other times, to hell with it, you have to take that risk or the real risk is never knowing what you and love are capable of.

I'm almost 21 years old and I know that in the span of my life I've experienced very little of what I will. But I also know that I've experienced great love, and true love, and different kinds of love in different forms which still mean the world to me.

Once upon a time I had really set notions of what love entailed. And then I experienced a much deeper and truer love, and though my understanding of love was forever altered, I still stayed in one particular mindset. I thought that was it, I thought I was at the height of what I would experience. There couldn't possibly be intimacy or connectedness beyond what I felt at that time.

Obviously, life changes. It just does. I'm not in that deep, great love anymore. I opted out, and it was both scary and very painful for me, though I fiercely knew that it was the best decision for me to make. So goodbyes were said, tears were shed, my heart broke.

But I kept going and I kept living because I knew I had to. I did guard my heart for a while (didn't need it dragging on the floor), but I actively kept myself as open as I could. I kept myself from depression, from crying every day and walking through the world in a half-present daze. I had felt that kind of sorrow and helplessness many months before, and I refused to sink into that kind of despair. So I didn't.

I wasn't a perfectly functioning robot, don't get me wrong. I lost the love of my life, believe me I was hurting. But I fought self-pity at every turn. I was committed to living and breathing and staying fresh-faced. Bitterness nipped at me, and I admit that sometimes I indulged it.

A lot of time has passed. In that time I let myself experience as much as I could. I met love, and love decoys (really, mostly decoys). I fell a little into some old bad habits but with every new situation I made sure to learn and grow from it.

I'm happy with that. I'm happy with my decisions, whether they were questionable and I agree, or whether the world might judge them, but I know when I know better. There are times when I've had to really let my logic and my self-strictness dictate my decisions. And boy am I grateful for the strength that let me do that.

And then I got to the point where I knew when my intuition was calling and that it would lead me somewhere great, if only I would follow. I listened, because I had that feeling before and it had brought me to my first true, great love. Again, my intuition did not disappoint. In spite of all logic or social decorum it gave me an experience which will forever reside in my heart because again, it let me be more me. It was a delightful surprise which surpassed any expectations I could have had. It has for the time being been closed, its reopening is a terrible mystery. Everything about its future is uncertain, which does make it difficult. But it was pure, and warm, and genuine, and nurturing. It was real. That is its importance, and that is the mark on my heart that I will keep with me, not the loss.

I've experienced great love, and deep love, and questionable "love", and love that made me doubt myself, and love that made me believe in myself and love that opened me and kept teaching me about me. I am SO GRATEFUL for the many forms of love that I feel absolutely blessed to have experienced.

I know I must sound cryptic to the reader not familiar with my characters and my story, and for that I apologize. Though I tend to be an open book on many matters, I'm concurrently private and quiet about certain very personal experiences. I'm just trying to relay some ideas without violating privacy.

So, here I am. I don't have set notions about how exactly love goes anymore, or how exactly these love stories have to play out. I can't and don't want to predict what will come. My loves so far have taught me that I simply have to stay open-minded, and open-hearted. Life is long, circumstances change, people grow.

I'm just so thankful, thankful to teary eyes at the moment, for the loves that I've experienced. They brought me higher. Whatever pain and whatever compromise occurred is overshadowed by the tremendous impact they had on me as a person. I'm getting there, I feel it. I'm more and more me because of every negative and every positive thing I experienced in these loves.

I don't feel small anymore. I don't feel compromised, or unwanted, or second-best to some other cause. I know what it is to be loved completely, to be appreciated entirely, to have admiration and affection that is unconditional.

Jesus Christ.. as I write this out I can't get over how much gratitude I feel for it all. Thank you guys. Now I am at a point where I expect to keep my heart to myself for some time, but I will carry that love and the effect that it's had with me. I'm still keeping my heart open in that sense. And besides, like I sort of said before, you never know where life will lead you. So there's no use in bitterness and anger and despair. There's no use in being attached to your pain and situated with your dissatisfaction.

I know now that no matter what obstacles I encounter, I will find that end-all love. I doubted that when I found myself ripped apart from the most profound feeling I'd ever felt. But I doubt no longer because I've experienced that genuine affection and care which lets you know that there's a world out there, there is love out there, and that it's possible.

I guess this entry was just about expressing the overwhelming gratitude I feel for having love in my life. I think I could easily harbor deep resentment (justifiably so), but it's not worth it. That would ruin the good and the beauty that I've experienced through these men and what they brought into my life.

So a Big THANK YOU to LOVE. Sometimes you hurt, sometimes you suck, sometimes you make it hard to get out bed in the morning and face the world, but more than ANYTHING you gave me great joy and you let me become more ME.

I want everyone, everyone! to experience loves of all shapes and sizes so that one day they know, they just really know when their ultimate, end-all love is there. Maybe they had it all along! Maybe they encountered it briefly and didn't know it. Maybe they had to find it. But oh, it's exciting!

So, love. I mean that as a verb. Open your heart and open your mind (it often bosses your heart around) and do it. As cheesy as this has come to be, truer words were never spoken:

"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

THANK YOU!

Jackie with a capital J

2008-04-29T10:36:57Z

It took me a few months to clear my head and realize who I am. I know everything was always there. Its presence was constant but difficult to reach out and grasp. And now, finally, it's like this: duh. Prolific, I know. Every single day I have an awareness of who I am and what I'm capable of and it doesn't get compromised anymore. I'm a bona fide brat now, but in the good way.

I'm pretty sure growing up is the most awesome process ever. That probably makes me a bit nutty because I'm constantly on this high-wired path and I do get impatient with people around me who choose (or are just ignorant) to stagnate or flail around or do all they gotta do in their youngness. I sort of hate youngness because it entails stupid decisions and mistakes that hurt yourself and others. I mean I'm generally okay with it. After all, I have made a lot of boo boos in my infinite wisdom in the past few years. But I have few regrets in life because I know that even though I made those mistakes I bounced back quickly and worked fervently to introspect and grow.

My boss told me I was extremely cerebral for being 20 years old. I agree with him. I also might be neurotic but that doesn't bother me. I think it's okay to be neurotic when all you're trying to do is live your life with purpose and do good by others and yourself. Oh, and maybe think ahead to the future a bit.

I'm also being driven a bit crazy because apparently my saga entails my own journey for enlightenment and growth while simultaneously witnessing the breakdown of some of the closest people to me. It's fucking weird, is all I can tell you. There are a lot of holes around here. C'est la vie, just things to deal with.

Also I think being single is underrated. Everyone should do it, but I mean in a purposeful kind of way. Like every day you find yourself useful and great and hey I'm this and hey I'm that! I'm not sure if that makes sense. But I just mean not the oh I happen to be single but I just want to be with someone kind of way. More like hello, I am single, I am awesome, period. Do you know that you lose yourself when you're in a relationship if you're not ready for it? I always thought you can be just dandy but now that I've been single for 6ish months out of my entire adult life I have come to see the light. I think relationships are some of the greatest human developments, period. But boy they get fucked up way too easily when you don't exactly know what you're doing.

I'm glad because I am learning to know who I am, which will make me find someone that knows who they are too. Those are probably two of the biggest issues in relationships so that will be nice to overcome.

A few weeks ago I attended Mr. Saunders' memorial service and it was the most beautiful service I will probably ever attend. He was our middle school social studies teacher and basically the most incredible educator to have ever walked this earth. The turnout was amazing, and the things that people said reminded us of his warmth, how he made us laugh, how he inspired us, how he pushed us, how he shaped our drive to learn, how he treated us with respect and compassion but also kept us in line. It was just unbelievable. He touched so many lives and though his passing was terribly tragic (he died from brain cancer) his memorial was actually rather joyous. His was a life beautifully lived. His presence is still with each and every one of us and it's something we will continue to pass on to those around us.

It was his mindset. It was his thirst for knowledge and thought and growth and his passion for bringing that to others. As a kid this was something I could only feel and understand somewhat. But now, years later, it really struck me deeply. That is how you want to live your life. That is how you want to go when it's your time. That is how you want to make your mark, that is how you want to be celebrated when it's all said and done. I can't even explain very well what I mean, it's too late in the night.

It just all really got to me. I cried at his memorial but I also felt a deep sense of happiness for how he will live on and gratitude to have experienced him. It reminded me yet again how important it is to live a life of purpose, of growth, to leave a legacy behind you that will continue to propel those causes forward.

Aghhh I need to sleep. Last night I actually had a hallucination from exhaustion, it was pretty freaky. Fortunately I was aware that that's what it was, but it was disturbing nonetheless because I couldn't make it go away, only when I finally fell asleep. It was also something I really would have preferred not to be haunted by. I guess being in the desert all weekend and then staying up until 5 finally got to me. Now I am continuing to be a jerk to myself by staying up so late again.

Whatever. I'm going to do dishes and go to bed. I have some things to do tomorrow that obviously involve figuring out new and better ways to improve myself. La dee da. Goodnight.

Just a Piece of Paper

2008-02-20T06:17:42Z

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people are staunchly against marriage because they think it's nothing more than a silly little document. "Just a piece of paper" they say. "we already know we want to be together, we don't need to prove it" they say. Etc etc. To each their own, I know.

But here is my own. I think marriage is a beautiful institution. We celebrate birthdays, bar mitzvahs, graduations, funerals. And we celebrate two people loving one another and committing to each other by the ritual called marriage. I always find it sad when people are all embittered on the notion. "Have you seen the divorce rates recently? What's the point?" Sure sure. Well I think all of that, including the unfortunate number of divorces, largely stems from the selfish, entitled mindset that is perpetuated everywhere you turn. When is the last time you heard sacrifice or commitment truly being praised? It's always about what you can accomplish for yourself, your own personal fulfillment.

Well I just don't think it works that way. I don't think the notion of marriage is compatible with people thinking they can just do whatever they damn well please, whatever satisfies them first and foremost. Because selfishness (this is often subtle) is so promoted, people 1) don't feel a need (or obligation) to commit and 2) once they have "committed," well, they didn't real mean it or understand it.

There's an essay in Allure I read awhile ago and really enjoyed. I came across it again, so I'll post an excerpt. This woman had been with her boyfriend for many years, and both of them looked at marriage with a mixture of indifference and disdain. They felt love spoiled marriage. They felt no need to go there. She said marriage wanted her to make sacrifices, in exchange for which she would get benefits that only stodgy or weak people needed: legitimacy for children, tax advantages, auto insurance. Essentially 1) she didn't want to sacrifice and 2) it was just a piece of paper.

She had a near death experience due to an allergic reaction to a hornet sting on a hike. After being fortunate enough to survive, this is what she relays:

"It's no coincidence that at around the same time, my conception of marriage was transformed. It's true that I still looked at marriage through the lens of desire, wondering how marriage might bring me the things I wanted. But the nature of my wanting had changed. Until then, I was forced to admit, my desires had been about me. Now I longed to safeguard Pete, to cherish him, to fiercely defend him against grief and misfortune. And this longing, far from weighing on me like a sacrifice, felt like a gift; I knew I was lighter, safer, and freer. I was enclosed in something larger than myself. What did it feel like? An utterly safe world in which Pete and I lived together. As for what I should call it, I realized that this precious phenomenon, that I felt I'd discovered, had in fact been discovered a long time ago, and by all the globe's cultures. Ours calls it marriage."

How absolutely beautiful is that? I had to share it. Commitment and marriage make you grow up. They open your eyes to yes, that something which is larger than yourself. I find it so rare nowadays to encounter this message. Instead, we're all taught we can float around and find ourselves basically indefinitely. Wrong.

Make no mistake, I'm finding myself right now too, but I do it actively, fiercely. I have to honestly introspect, I have to seek wisdom. How else will I become a real adult? I can't be floating around at 30 years old. I am single and I have had space to think and I am getting to know myself more and more. But I know that there's only so much singularity that will allow me to "find myself." And people DO need to know who they are before they get married. It's your obligation to do a great deal of growing up before you make that choice, because divorce DOES tear up families and hurt kids. Be smart. But I also know that at a certain point, the continuation of my growth as person will stem from having committed to someone forever. From vowing to love, cherish, honor him. From saying I want to build a life and grow old with you. I want to raise kiddies that we'll be proud of, who will grow into beautiful little people who are curious about the world and want to contribute to it.

It's exciting. I know that I will care about someone that profoundly and create those kinds of things in life. It's going to be fun. There's a lot to learn, there's a lot to discover. It's going to be challenging. Heck, it's challenging already. But I love a good challenge. Please, could they teach us how important sacrifice, hard work, and dedication are. If I read one more article which attempts to normalize dissatisfaction in marriage or justifies affairs, I swear I'm going to blow a gasket.

Life is exciting. Growing up is exciting. Failures are exciting because you learn from them. Mistakes are exciting because you can change your ways. Pleasant and lovely surprises abound, just open your eyes. What's not to be excited about?

Big Pharma

2008-01-29T07:59:03Z

Okay I got into this big old thread (not intentionally) about vaccinations on my gossip blog, of all things. I thought I might quickly post here in case people jump over to my page to get a better sense of what my deal is (also, I thought I might quickly share).

In our society we are CLEARLY struggling with autism and other auto-immune diseases which are rapidly developing among our children. HOWEVER there are so many OBSTACLES to the dissemination of truth and science in regards to this matter. Far too many monetary interests are at stake. Dear capitalism, I love you. I think you are the best way for human societies to function. But because of you, we need to be relentlessly vigilant in our research and our choices. We have a lot to deal with on our hands.

Sadly, it looks like too many people don't question "the way things are." It is either out of not knowing any better and being too trusting, or out of the conscious decision to believe what's more convenient (yes, I would like to believe that the "science" we are presented with is credible, and honest, and unbiased myself).

Anyway, I am going to post this article from Rolling Stone in the hopes that its pop-culturedness will lure some people in to read it: http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/7395411/deadly_immunity/
I actually had to skim bc I'm lacking in time but it looked like a pretty good intro to the issues (plz don't fail me bb).

Yes, I am a big fat hippie when it comes to the medical establishment and I am HAPPY WITH THAT. If it makes a better life for my current and future families, I will explore every avenue. NOBODY puts baby in a corner (+50 points if you get the reference).

I just needed a quick vent, and boy, my journal is good for that :)

Back to sleeping and studying until the LSAT on Saturday. No more time for all these endlessly fascinating issues!

Muahh

Edit: I got a chance to read the article completely and am quite satisfied with it. Let me relay the following short paragraphs, which happen to be its conclusion:

"I devoted time to study this issue because I believe that this is a moral crisis that must be addressed. If, as the evidence suggests, our public-health authorities knowingly allowed the pharmaceutical industry to poison an entire generation of American children, their actions arguably constitute one of the biggest scandals in the annals of American medicine. 'The CDC is guilty of incompetence and gross negligence,' says Mark Blaxill, vice president of Safe Minds, a nonprofit organization concerned about the role of mercury in medicines. 'The damage caused by vaccine exposure is massive. It's bigger than asbestos, bigger than tobacco, bigger than anything you've ever seen.'

It's hard to calculate the damage to our country -- and to the international efforts to eradicate epidemic diseases -- if Third World nations come to believe that America's most heralded foreign-aid initiative is poisoning their children. It's not difficult to predict how this scenario will be interpreted by America's enemies abroad. The scientists and researchers -- many of them sincere, even idealistic -- who are participating in efforts to hide the science on thimerosal claim that they are trying to advance the lofty goal of protecting children in developing nations from disease pandemics. They are badly misguided. Their failure to come clean on thimerosal will come back horribly to haunt our country and the world's poorest populations."

Um, just one of the reasons that I think government should be as minimized as possible. THERE IS SO MUCH WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE. And is it mainstream? Is it public knowledge? Oh no, it's some backwater conspiracy theory crap. That is OUTRAGEOUS!

More Better 2008

2008-01-06T09:19:38Z

Eh I'm having trouble sleeping because I was really really sick yesterday and slept all day and today I'm much better but kind of out of it still I guess. I actually could have been sleeping hours and hours ago but I don't know! Just couldn't do it.

I'm really happy about 2008. I'm really looking forward to the many new events coming up this year. I'm proud of us for how far we've come and I'm just flat out excited to see where we're going to go. We're gonna do big things, is what.

I was so super sick and somehow that didn't even make a dent in my 'tude. I'm so glad and I feel at peace and I just know that good things are to come. How great!! How lovely. I love having the know, and I have it really strong right now.

Isn't it exciting? Aren't you so excited?

Goodbye 2007!

I learned so much in this past year. Oh my god I don't even know how to begin explaining all of that. Probably when I started out, I was shedding the skin of a damsel in distress. Then I was in princess mode, which vacillated from concern to bubbliness to anxiety to contentedness. And then the point came where it was time to start Queen training, which involved making difficult decisions in the face of present happiness but future dismay. Ah! What a year it has been. It was probably not so fun while going through much of it, but in retrospect? I am grateful for it all. It has equipped me for a good life. It challenged me to grow and do big things and boy am I happy that all of it occurred.

I don't wish that 2008 will be easy, because 2007 was so hard. I bet 2008 will be just as difficult, why not even moreso? I welcome it. I'm not scared of that. I hope that as 2009 rolls around I can say wow! What a year. What dragons I have slain. What battles have I fought (and maybe lost? But valiantly).

Life is so good! Happy New Year y'all. L'chaim!

Queen

2007-12-11T04:44:24Z

Driving down PCH and winding around Sunset I acutely thought to myself how I am the furthest thing from a damsel in distress, that I can never be that way again. I needed space to grow away from that and in that time I've been training to be a queen.

I just need to live my life in a certain way.

In other separate, but rather related news, I'm becoming increasingly aware that though I am a nice, and kind, and generous person, I am not obligated to bestow this graciousness on everyone who crosses my path. I think that being a nice person, you are used to interacting with others in that way. When someone isn't nice, you're at least still polite, after all, that's what nice people do. We take the high road. Just because someone else isn't nice doesn't mean we shouldn't be. Well, I've decided against that. I admitted to myself that this unconditional niceness is the product of not only habit, but a fear. A fear of not being that nice person. And honestly, I'm over that. I've made some choices recently that were really difficult, the hardest I've ever made, but after a while the ramifications of those decisions really settled in. I'm developing very strong boundaries. I don't need to take shit from people who have wronged me and behave with civility towards them. They're undeserving of that basic respect.

There's a very good Russian expression, and directly translated, says that someone has "sat on your head." Meaning that they have done a very nice job taking advantage of your good graces. You know what, I'm not going to be that person. At the same time, I'm not going to be a mean, jaded person either. I'm still going to be precisely me. But if you cross me, I'm over it. It took a while for me to get to this point. Up until very recently, I would still treat those who had wronged me with some compassion, some understanding, some leeway. After all, I am the nice person, and I should just be nice.

Well, it's one thing when someone makes a mistake. You forgive, you move on. It's quite another when you're faced with someone's poor character. And when that person has no inclination to change that. So you know what? You're a fool. And I have certainly been a fool because I gave too many people the benefit of the doubt. Oh yeah: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. How hard it is for us nice people to grasp this concept.

Some people are liars. Some people are self-centered and unconcerned about others, whether in an immature way or a malicious way. Some people are traitors. Some people are evil and manipulative. Don't kid yourself about this. The problem with us nice people is that we judge others by the standards we hold ourselves up to. And that's when you get a nice top hat of people stacked upon your head.

I refuse to be that kind of fool anymore. I'm going to remain who I am; a deeply caring, generous person. But I'm not going to waste that on the undeserving. And PS, I have no intentions of getting into any kinds of brawls with those people, though I am capable of some very quick, biting words. It's just not worth my time or energy at all. Those who cross me and have no intention of ceasing that kind of behavior don't deserve any kind of attention from me, not even a good telling-off. It's goodbye, and good riddance. I don't owe anybody anything.

Those are just some thoughts on what it means to be a nice person, but also how to deal with the boundaries that you NEED if you want to survive in life. I particularly need this ability because I'm going to be working in business and have to be resistant to the world of everyone trying to screw you over. I've really been practicing dealing with these different kinds of people, and so far have done a good job of handling them. There is one person I'm currently working on because they present a huge challenge. I think they are the most negative, nasty personality I have ever encountered. Just speaking to them about a normal, every day work issue requires piercing a bubble of vitriolic energy. You couldn't understand it unless you experienced it first hand. So it presents a wonderful opportunity for learning and refusing to be intimidated.

Speaking of business, the last thing I wanted to touch on is how I'm becoming better at schmoozing. For a person who started out somewhat shy around strangers, this is great news. I don't think I'm really reserved any more at all. Not when it comes to meeting new people, saying hello, discussing work, backgrounds, life, etc. and then following up. However, my sense of propriety is fully intact. The importance of presenting yourself with class and maintaining that reputation cannot be overstated.

Anywayz, I'm going to go work on my personal statement. Just had some ideas bouncing around that needed a home.

Lova love love,
J

Becoming Is Better Than Being

2007-11-26T02:37:35Z

I've always had a problem when others offer this bit of advice: "people don't change."

That's not true. It's the worst thing I ever heard of. If people didn't change, then I would be completely dysfunctional in my personal relationships, shy, a pushover, and whiny.

But none of those things describe me anymore, and they used to, to some extent. I've worked immeasurably hard to better myself as a person. When I'm doing something wrong, I want to know it, I want to change it. I want to improve. I always say that I just want to be a good person. Well, more than that I want to be a growing person. It's important for me to learn new things and expand the way I consider myself, others, and the world.

I hate when I'm confronted with the idea that people are static in who they are and who they will become. What I am today may indicate how far I've come (SO FAR) but it does not BRAND me for who I will be in the future. Sure, it might be a helpful way to predict, but in no way does it CONSTRICT WHO I AM

The past few weeks have given me a lot of room for personal reflection, and at first, I didn't really consider that I needed to do so. But it started happening. I started realizing things about myself that I would like to improve. I've been working at that fervently. I'm proud to say that I looked myself in the mirror and said, "you're wrong. You need to approach life in a different way." AND I AM DOING IT! :) It feels good. I've always had problems with taking care of the little things. I am basically professional at weathering the storms, living through the big shit, and coming out stronger and better for it. But when it comes to the menial tasks, it's almost like I was at a loss. It all seemed like a big deal, which is ridiculous in comparison to the major traumas I've gone through. Totally illogical, if you will.

So anyway, I am changing and growing and it feels Great. I just get things done now. I'm even a dork enough to make my bed every morning because that sets my mind up to just DO THE LITTLE THINGS AND BE DONE WITH THEM.

A little while after I began this journey of mine, I came across this book called Mindset, by Carol Dweck, PhD. It discusses the differences between a FIXED mindset and a GROWTH mindset. Fixed meaning one generally believes that their traits are fixed, immutable. Smart or dumb, weak or strong, stubborn or easy going. It includes all aspects of one's being; mental, emotional, interpersonal, romantic, EVERYTHING. And the growth mindset refers to a person believing that their qualities are NOT fixed in stone. They can grow their intelligence, learn to be compassionate, work on their relationships, etc. etc. The book is so in depth, and explains these concepts in a profound way which I cannot recreate here.

I would recommend the book to anyone and everyone. Mindsets, as described by Dr. Dweck, are just beliefs. And people can change their beliefs.

Reading this really helped me to sharpen my own perspective on the human ability to change. When I was younger I didn't consider the issue of growth very much. Right around 17, 18, it was a topic that came to the forefront and has remained there ever since.

I NEED to grow, and learn, and change. It's not optional. It's not possible for me to be fine just the way I am, and accept that, and expect others to accept that as well. No, there is ALWAYS room for me to better myself. I am glad to finally be attacking the more difficult aspects of that process.

This is not true of me 100%. Overall I think I am very well described by the growth mindset, but unfortunately, I found plenty of room to fixate in the past. I don't want to do that anymore.

I changed. And I can change more. Anyone can do it. It isn't easy. It certainly isn't. It requires that you have to give up being measured by your innate talents or abilities, or genius, or whatever it is. It requires really valuing HARD WORK. And that applies to everything: school, careers, relationships. Truly great things have always been the result of toil and effort. They didn't come down from the heavens in their perfect form.

An expression from the sixties: becoming is better than being.

Now doesn't that make sense?

Hello

2007-11-15T21:20:06Z

I want to say things but I can't or I don't know how or their force is prohibtive or their depth too deep I don't know what

So instead, watch this video. I usually never find this kind of humor funny, but seriously, I just can't help it, it's disturbing....

Ughh this too:

Hello hello goodbye

You Need This

2007-11-06T04:06:10Z

aghhhhhhhhhhh

HAHAH

2007-10-28T04:58:43Z

WOW PHOTOBUCKET REMOVED THE PICTURE OF SASHA'S NECK VAGINE

WOW

I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS HAPPY

ahahahah scrolllllll down hahahah

If you missed it I'm sorry I don't know what to tell you!

P.S. LEOPARD OSX FOR MAC. O.M.F.G. !!

To Youuuuuu

2007-10-26T02:58:53Z

Happy birthday to the funniest person ever invented. Sasha Baron Kavutskiy, you amaze and inspire me.

Also, you're an unbelievable friend and basically a brother to me. Not as good of a brother as GOB, but I give you credit for trying.

On another note, I finally immersed myself in some code and redid my layout a bit. It's nothing drastic or particularly elegant, in fact, it's kind of hipstery, but I'm diggin it.

I'm a hustla baby, that's what my daddy's made me.

BADZT TO THE BONE

2007-09-20T08:08:35Z

What happened to my gmail???

Hay Badtz Maru!!

PS Uhmm I really love.. BEING IN MY TWENTIES

Last Night's Party.com

2007-08-27T05:11:02Z

Check this sick shit out! Mine and Sarah's next endeavor, f'sho. Hahahaha what the fuuuuuuck

Also I like that that phrase has been my journal subtitle foreva lolz

I'm 20 in 7 days!!!

Bachelor

2007-06-15T05:32:38Z

Uhhhh I graduated on Saturday and can you believe that after all of those countdowns I didn't make an ~epic~ post to commemorate it? What am I thinking

Well, life is sort of continuing... normally. Minus the pressure of school in the back of my brain.

Actually, I guess it's not that normal at all. I don't meet with my group anymore. We don't do mad crunch sessions anymore to power produce our projects. I will never again have the intensity of midterms, papers, assignments, and finals week at college. It's done.

I think it will take more time to set in. I've been busy this week, so I haven't had much time to go over it in my head. But it's done! That milestone in my life is done.

So now, I have other stepping stones to skip to. I'm studying for my LSAT this summer. I turn 20 on September 2nd. On the 29 of that month, I take the actual test, and it's time to rock it. Then I have the freedom to take art and language classes, and go on some adventures for a few months (after completing some applications, that is).

And you know what graduating makes me think of? The Big Dream is closer. I finished college. I just have law school, maybe cosmetology school too, to go through. I closed a book.

When I came to the Early Entrance Program, I was a kid. I was a kid! I went through five years there. Provie summers, fall quarters... the joy of that last week of Spring. And I just finished my last one. Last weekend I sat through graduation and I did it. My buddy Aaron and I sat there in disbelief and wonder at the major journey we had embarked on, and how we had finally reached our destination. It boggles the mind.

Here's a picture after we ~turned our tassles to the left~. That's the only one I have like it, I took it on my cam phone and I haven't uploaded my digi pics yet, which I will post later.

Look at how genuinely happy I am.

Wow!

I entered as a kid, I left as an adult. I grew immensely in my five years there.

I think you almost want to ask yourself when you finish... who am I? Now what do I do? Maybe there are questions of identity and purpose, I'm not sure how it goes all the time. I don't know how to explain it that well. Because actually, I feel like my purpose shines brighter, I feel like I'm more me, to be honest.

So here I am! Hello.

It kind of makes my heart beat faster.

BABIES

2007-05-26T07:27:48Z

HAHAHAHA I WROTE TWO RAMBLING ENTRIES ALREADY AND DELETED THEM BOTH. You know what? I can't even express myself properly at allllllllll SO here's something my brother showed me instead:

!!!!!

The ONLY thing I can coherently get across is that I am graduating in two weeks!! And I'm emotional about it.

More later bbz.

J

MS. BIG

2007-05-10T05:25:28Z

Countdown to college graduation:

ONE MONTH!!!!!!!!

1)

2) Who invented Matthew Goldin to look like Richarizard ??

Sarah comes home this weekend !!!!

WHACHU KNOW ABOUT (THAT) (MATH)

2007-05-07T10:49:32Z

ughhhhhh HELLO it's 3:44am! I just got home in 20 mins flat from the 5 and the 2. Where is that anyway??

My group and I worked from 11:30 this morning to 3:30am . With breaks only for Rick's and Pollo to eatz.

So insane, but it makes you kind of high. I never knew it was possible to generate that amount of work, and crunch it for SIXTEEEN HOURS. I actually feel pretty gewd!!

WTF

Guess what I also have to wake up at 6:30 for work DO U LOVE IT

I better get to bedddddddy bye !

Photographic Evidence

2007-04-25T02:56:48Z

For the first time ever, last night at around 1:30am it became a good idea to explore the timer on my digital camera. I felt like capturing a specific tone and it could only be achieved withOUT my arms holding the camera in the picture.

The self timer is fun, I'm going to get a tripod.

Well, here are some photos. I didn't edit them an ounce, which I think is cool. I'm not worried about the imperfections and the weird lighting in some that makes my facial bones look awkward. Nor am I worried about the repetition. Whateva.

Just me. Not glamour shots.

Yeah.

GWEN

2007-04-20T19:48:05Z

Time for something that deviates at least *a little* from my general fare. I just saw this Gwen Stefani video last night and thought I would share.

I think that considering the subject matter, she does a really fine job portraying it all. I think the emotions are well done, that sense of stillness but not peacefulness. It's sort of hard for me to explain, but the more I watch it the more I say, yeah, yeah, that's exactly how it is.

What concerns me is that I read somewhere that this song was her favorite off her new album. I hope that it's not because she really identifies with what's going on with it. I noticed over the years that her songs deal with a lot of compromise, a lot of settling. I don't know if that's portrayed soley for artistic purposes or because it's an accurate depiction of her own personal life. Well, all I can say is that I hope it's the former. I've always enjoyed, loved, admired her as an artist, and from my limited knowledge I think I would like her a lot as a person. It would be a shame if 4 In The Morning is representative of her real life. She has a baby and a life and this wonderful career and it would just be sad if her personal life took that kind of toll on her.

Well, that's me stepping outside my own personal ponderings and pondering somebody else. I think happiness is really important in life. And I think that honesty is the only thing that can get you there. Dishonest interactions, dishonest relations, dishonest "introspection"... all breed compromise and pretense.

To break the serious tone: I think her entire look is beautifully done. I keep admiring how brown eyes are so well complemented by a dark, thick line on the upper lid. I think her makeup and her hair are really well placed in this video.

Then also, I wanted to post this vid too. It's obviously a lot funner and doesn't deal with such heavy issues, though I can't help noticing how she seems to put blame on herself.

Oh, Gwen! Just be happy. Be really, really happy. Honestly, everyone... just be happy. You can do it.

The G's are ridiculous. Love it.

I always like doing the whole "woooo hooo, weeeeee hooo" thing in the car. It feels good.

With that, I'm going to go work some magic with my hair sckissors. Ta!